Lives Entwined
by Arabella Thorne
Summary: The conclusion: Before Celebrian leaves for the West, she leaves Arwen a personal journal with her thoughts and tales of her life
1. Default Chapter

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I write this for you my Undomiel, the Evenstar of my heart. I am leaving this Middle Earth and it grieves me that I am, but I must.

I have spent several weeks writing in this journal for you, my love. 

For I know I am leaving you bereft of a mother's love and counsel when soon they will be needed most.

I want you to know first, you are always in my heart and I cannot tell you how much my decision has been made lighter by knowing some day I shall see you again.

Here then, are my notes and thoughts about life here with your father and brothers, and my life in general. They are not in perhaps, the most coherent of order. 

I wish I had thought to do this sooner, and now my energy and thoughts are somewhat hard to discipline to this task.

Note too, that dates are few as they have less significance to we to whom time is just a mantle across our days.

I hope that within these pages you will find joy and hope, insight and solace into who I am and perhaps even, who your father and brothers are.

And more importantly, who YOU are my Arwen.

And our lives, all entwined here 

In Imladris.

You have heard many times the story of how your father and I first met.

I, a heedless young she-elf secure in love and position as only the sole child of Celeborn and Galadriel could be.

I was silly, if all be told, my Arwen.

I pursued my studies, (especially herbs and healing though I was never the healer your father is, it was one of the things we had in common), I climbed trees, I rode my favorite mare with the highly original name of Alfirn, I sang to the night stars and slept in the swaying boughs of the mallorn trees.

I could not have been happier.

Until the day that an embassy came from far Imladris to my home. And headed by the most handsome elf I had ever set eyes on.

My mother dismissed my immediate interest saying I was more taken in by his midnight dark hair than any fair arrangement of his features.

Oh, but Arwen, trust me when I say you will know the hour, the very minute your true love crosses paths with you. 

And no matter how many leagues may separate you, you will pine only for he. No beauty in all of Middle Earth will cover his face from your heart's eyes.

You will see him always.

And your heart will burn until there is pain.

Your father, though all of a mighty elf lord in his own right, I could see was a bit awed by Father and Mother.

I will tell you this my love...Mother and Father frequently counted on their imposing histories and their magnificent selves to give pause to any guest in Caras Galadon.

They were actually rather amused by Elrond's slight nervousness, which as you know manifested itself most awkwardly at the formal dinner to greet his company that first night.

When, trying to raise a toast to Mother and Father, he missed his reach for his goblet and knocked it all over the snowy linen before him.

His ears blushed!

My heart went out to him and truth be told, it never came back from his gentle and loving care.

From that moment onward, I was his.

When we finally met on our own, though I cannot swear my Mother or Father did not have someone watch to make sure we did nothing...foolish,

I was tongue tied and your father, though attempting to give me formal greetings as befitted the Lord of Imladris, found himself unable to go on, and his words petered off into silence.

I could only stare into his deep dark eyes, like two windows into the eternal night. I found I was mesmerized and it was sometime before I felt his arms around me or the soft kiss he allowed himself to place on my cheek.

I remember more his scent, like deep pine woods and high mountain air. The feel of the silk brocade upon my bare arms. His tall form and his strength enveloping me.

And then of course, I remember his mouth.

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(Do not blush my Undomiel! Soon, that will be something you will remember most clearly about your beloved!)

Mother and Father, as you know made us both wait some years before they would let us wed formally.

But as I said, distance and time were little to us. We sent many, many letters, some of which I have given you already. And even though our visits together were well chaperoned, I will let you know that your father and I got very creative in the ways and means of stealing kisses and caresses.

We were of two great lines and it was not a wedding to be decided on in haste or to be done with out everything perfect down to the weather and the scent of the breezes.

But as with all weddings my love, everything ran as it willed, no matter who the imposing parents of the bride were.

We did not have rain of course (it would not have dared). No, no, it was a lovely day full of sun and flowers and the faintest of zephyrs to cool the nervous bridegroom and his equally nervous bride.

He was resplendent in white...though it is a color he does not wear much, it was a tradition that we both be in white as if plain pieces of snowy parchment upon which our lives together would be writ.

I put a hole in my hem as I stepped up to my parents to say my vows. And your dear father, at the wedding feast, dropped a honey cake on his beautiful white robe, which was encrusted with seed pearls and mithril threads and made him more beautiful than moonlight.

But he did not notice it until Mother gently removed it with a napkin from the front of his robe where it had gotten stuck, saying nothing.

You will never forget your wedding Arwen.

And more, your wedding night.

I will not go on and on about our union except to say I never wanted the night to end, I never wanted your father to leave my bed and I never ever wanted to be without his love both physical and mental.

And the blossoming of trust, like a young tree and the twining of souls that occurs when two elves wed is the most blessed experience you will have my Arwen, no matter who your soul mate is.

The twining of souls binds you as no golden band or formal vow can. You could be one in the uttermost snows and ice of the north and the other in deep Far Harad and both of you and each of you would know instantly if the other was sad or happy; in good health or bad. 

This never goes away love. Never.

And when the two of you are joined body to body, your souls blaze deep in warmth and love and this more than anything sustains your spirits. It renews as nothing else can, your vows to the other.

And the long lovely trip back to Imladris Arwen.

How beautiful Middle Earth is! The different trees and mountain vistas, the plains and rivers. Our wedding trip to Rivendell remains in my mind a wonderful journey of joy and discovery, both of the world around us and of the new world that just your father and I inhabited.

We learned much of each other's likes and dislikes on that trip.

Your father is not fond of trout (all the little bones).

I am not fond of rabbit to be honest, no matter how it is presented. And both of us of course will eat either of these foods if offered to us.

But we care little for them.

Your father is not fond of purple.

I am however fond of the color, mostly in roses and delphiniums. You will notice that your father never has purple flowers in his study. And usually prefers green grapes come to think of it.

I love being held in your father's arms.

He is rather fond of tickling...especially in unexpected places.

I love the scent and feel of his skin.

And I know he is very fond of the nape of my neck. He has whispered 

kisses there many, many times.

And we both love sleeping under the stars.

But I will say, though it was a wondrous trip, it was even more wonderful to know we were getting closer and closer each day to our home together in Rivendell. And since I had never seen it, I was all a flutter to view its beauty.

And of course, your father did not hesitate to describe its glories in great detail.

Remember that much of your father's heart is in this place Arwen. He built it from the soil and rock up. He designed most of the gardens and the placement of the outer farms, the bridges and the fountains. He made the final decisions on the stone and wood and glass used throughout the house.

Though I, of course, once I moved here, designed many gardens myself.

As the company ascended the steep grade that would be the last rise before we reached the Vale of Rivendell, your father, romantic that he is, decided to wrap my eyes with a silk scarf before I saw the House.

So imagine my delight, Arwen, when after the descent, we reached the first lookout point on the northern trail.

One of the most breathtaking views of Rivendell there is my love, as well you know.

Because outriders had gone on ahead days before, the House was a blaze of lights as were the near gardens. The scent of jasmine sweet and thick floated in the air as we sat there on our horses entranced.

The fall of water was everywhere....... and the singing! 

Oh Arwen, the singing that night, it had no equal in my memory.....and I believe it was every voice in the Vale I heard and it blended with the wind and the water and I swayed, overcome by its beauty.

I would have fallen from my mare if your father had not leapt from his horse to sit behind me and wrap me in his arms.

And thus, I rode into Rivendell, carried before your father, wrapped in his love and surrounded by a melodious symphony of music and lights that my heart nigh on took flight.

This, then, my love, was my first impression of Rivendell.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~to be continued~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	2. Chapter Two

Oh what a night that was my Arwen!

The singing continued and swelled into a mighty chorus as our company came into the central courtyard before the main stairs.

Elrond slid off behind me and then helped me from my mare. But he did not set me down. He carried me into the house, where two lines of elves nodded and bowed as we passed by them slowly.

Your father was so proud Arwen he could have burst! I hid my smile behind my hand, and took in the wonderful place we call home.

The halls were ablaze with light and flowers and garlands were everywhere. When we reached the main hall, Elrond finally put me down and oh my dear, did I blush as sudden applause broke forth.

I was told later by Erestor that they despaired of their studious, serious lord ever marrying!

Glorfindel and Erestor introduced themselves.

Glorfindel, as is his want, was especially gallant and kissed my hand warmly. 

Elrond laughed as I stood there, mouth slightly open. He then caught me in an embrace, kissing me before all, and that elicited a cheer!!

What a welcome we received, Arwen.

Despite the fact we all smelled slightly of horse, my ladies and the other members of the company entered the formal dining hall in delight. A wonderful feast awaited us, with stuffed swan and aspic and venison pasties and a host of other foods. 

There were so many beautiful dishes, I tried to sample them all, but finally your father stopped placing them before me and fed me plain grapes and berries, which I thought quite bold of him at such a dinner…but…I loved him and so was delighted at his intimacy.

I could barely move Arwen from the table. It was worse than any Eve of Yule feast we have given!

But I was sleepy and your father, ever sensitive to me, knew this and with a bow to the assembled (now enjoying some very aged mead and wines from the South), they cheered and toasted us lustily and we left.

And my first view of our bedroom within which we spent so many wonderful times, was so beautiful Arwen!

The room was an intimate bower covered in a multitude of blooms. There were garlands of red and white roses draped about the bed and petals strewn about the sheets (which had been turned down) and the floor. There were vases everywhere holding samples of all the flowers currently in Rivendell. Two branches of scented candles burned on either side of the bed and a pair of silver goblets and an ewer stood at the small table where your father and I frequently have breakfast, as you know.

More flowers and garlands of green hid the rest of the room, the familiar wardrobes and chests and tapestries.

It was much like our wedding night Arwen.

And because this was now our home together, our love enfolded us tightly in its embrace and though I was initially tired, your father's love (and his wonderful hands) kept me quite awake for sometime.

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(You are blushing again my sweet. These things, these intimacies are a part of who I am and a part of married life. I want to share some of them with you to show you the joy, the wonder there is in being loved solely and truly and eternally by your heart's desire. I can only hope you are so blessed!)

It was another night I wished never to end. And when the sun rose and gilded our chamber, I am afraid I missed it, tucked up under your father's arm, my hands about his waist sound asleep.

My first morning as Lady of Imladris and I almost slept through it.

It was and is a wonderful thing to be the Lady of a large Household like Imladris Arwen. It is exciting and interesting and of course, you never run out of things to do!

Admittedly, our first week or two, I spent mostly enchanted with my new home and Elrond indulged me, spending as much time as he could spare. Glorfindel and Erestor did much to allow your father the time to indulge his new wife, for which I am grateful. 

There was so much to explore and see!

Surely you remember your own childhood Arwen, and how much you enjoyed exploring the House and grounds, making up adventures, climbing trees, feeding the ducks, catching frogs?

I certainly remember the frogs, especially the one you brought to dinner one night and the poor thing hopped into the soup tureen and your father, not wanting you to be heartbroken over the tiny creature, was hard pressed to save its life!

Children are a never ending source of delight my Arwen. They will always lift your spirits and gladden your heart.

May you be blessed with them! 

They will also give you sleepless nights and much anxiety.

Something I can say with complete honesty you have only done a few times in your many years.

The weeks flew by and your father and I settled into our routines (always leaving room for spontaneity and affection).

And again Arwen, I tell this to you woman to woman: always be spontaneous with the one you love. Always! It keeps the heart ever warm, the flame of love ever steady! And it is quite amusing (and frequently wonderful) to find out how your spontaneity is responded to, especially with your father.

I know your father frequently seems remote and distant, most especially when the worries of the outside world impinge on his day-to-day running of Rivendell. I like to think of it as his public face. When he deals with outsiders, he goes remote and quiet, very still and listening, quite the Wise and Mighty Elf Lord. 

A presence that those beyond our borders may have merely heard rumor of...and faint though those words and rumors may be, I imagine to those who are not Eldar, his existence must seem almost legendary, and perhaps, a bit frightening.

As are his skills as a healer.

But really Arwen, you know by now that your father is as affectionate and merry as springtime happiness: a glory of warmth and ever burgeoning love.

And even he, the Lord of Imladris, can be pulled from his less pressing duties.

One afternoon in the deep warmth of summer, I knew your father was working in his small study here off our suite, seeing to the monthly reports of our perimeter guards.

I had spent the day gardening and the weekly menu planning. And I was rather warm

Deciding to indulge in a cool bath, I wandered through the suite and divesting myself of my gown, I was just about to slip into the unheated pool when I thought of your father.

I peeked around the archway and saw him bent over his parchment, slightly frowning, his dark hair tied back with a twist of thread from my embroidery box. Coming up behind him I leaned against his back and slipped my hands around his ribs and whispered in his ear.

Unused to having a forward she-elf in his life, and more, a wife who was whimsical, he turned to me, blushing and then kissing me, he stood up, quickly removed his clothing and carried me to the baths, where we spent a very relaxing intimate afternoon.

And the water was very nice too.

Our days as a couple started simple enough.

In the morning we arose with the sun and sang together a hymn of joy, whether of the light itself, or the rain or snow. Perhaps just to growing things. 

And each time I was carrying, your father would make a hymn up for each of you, which I would join in on. We had quite a lovely duet for the twins...but yours was happiness itself!

Then we would bath (another conjugal pleasure, as I mentioned above, my Arwen, that is delightful, and so useful for getting to the hard to reach places) and dress and frequently have breakfast in our rooms, or out on the terrace.

And once we had children, breakfasts became the one place we could start the day off in equanimity. Not that the evening meals were fraught with high emotions, but that by evening, the days needs had colored our lives, making us sometimes less than focused on each other.

Your father and I are actually quite fond of breakfast outside. We have eaten several times in falling snow. You must try that sometime. It is so quiet. As if you were actually hearing the world breath.

I sit at my desk here in the solarium and I can just see the double doors that lead out to the main corridor.

There is the corner of the rug that traveled to us all the way from Far Harad as a wedding gift from the Steward of Gondor, there is the edge of your favorite tapestry, a gift of Thranduil of dark trees and moonlight and running deer.

It makes me smile, because as a very young one, you would stare at the tapestry for sometime and then turn to ask why the deer had not run off the cloth.

A vase filled with autumn flowers right now, a vase your father disliked as he did not like the colors. It was a gift from the Guildmaster of Laketown for some service your father rendered (along with Thranduil) I do not recall what it was.

But I rather liked it because as you know it has purple irises on it, one of my favorite flowers.

And your father, dear soul that he is, indulges me and I now I have my own garden of all things that bloom purple, even a tall sharp-edged grass from the dunes near the Grey Havens.

I have always loved this room Arwen.

The solarium has one of my favorite views of Rivendell: a slice of the sharp edged Lancer's Gorge with the high waterfall, the three gnarled pines that lean out over the edge and the wonderful Western light that I love. It is so soothing...and for me, when my soul has been so troubled these last few months, it has helped settle my heart and mind as nothing can. 

It is like a vision of eternity to me: the many edges of the gorge march off to the south, fainter and softened by mists and clouds.

I do not think that even Valinor will have such vistas.

But I am talking of the lighter joys of Rivendell and I shall stick to my purpose here.


	3. chapter three

As you can imagine in such a large place, there are many places of which I am fond.. Some for silly reasons and some for their grander view of The House or for the occurrence of some momentous event.

Like that apple tree in the center of the herb garden from which you fell when you were quite small playing I believe you called it Castles and Dragons! And you broke your arm...the only time you ever had a serious injury, even playing with your brothers.

And I remember how miserable you were even after your father splinted it. And you were in no pain (your father saw to that) but you were so unhappy you could not go right back out into the tree and continue from where you had left your game! I believe the Princess was just about to slay the dragon....

Every time I walked beneath the apple trees bent and gnarled branches, I remember your broken arm.

And because I am writing this for you my Arwen, I shall tell you where I was when I told your father I was carrying you.

Even though the twins were old enough to have lessons and training, to be honest my love, neither your father and I expected to be blessed with another child so soon after your brothers. Elves are not nearly as fruitful as some other races here are, most especially Men I believe. Some of them have more than four children! I have often wondered how an Edain mother handled a big family.

And suddenly, I was going to find out.

I was out riding of all things Arwen, when I felt a wave of sickness hit me. I was not far from the House, I was just down below the bridge on the main road enjoying the fresh air on my mare of the time, Nalla. Your father was actually at work designing and helping build the gazebo in our private garden.

I pulled Nalla up, slipped off her warm back and thoroughly lost my breakfast at the side of the road. 

I was admittedly grateful I had not taken any of my ladies with me! They mean well, but they would have bundled me up and flown back to the House and upset your father.

Since I was alone, and I knew what was happening I was relieved to know I could tell your father without the whole House knowing before hand...

As had happened with your brothers.... (I shall get to their story by and by)

I had planned to keep the news understated, just between your father and I and the boys............

well, the best laid plans...

I did not think I could tolerate riding, so I had Nalla follow me back to the stables where I groomed and settled her in her stall.

I remember thinking I was a bit thirsty and so went out to the fountain by the front steps to dip my hand in for a taste of the sweet spring water....

I bent down and the sun light sparkling off the water mesmerized me a moment and I stood there swaying, not feeling entirely well and then, oh Arwen, I did a very foolish thing!

I fainted!

Silly me! (And I only did that once with your brothers...oh no...actually there was another time too. Well they were twins after all and rather rambunctious)

Nevertheless, this of course was not the quiet private way I wanted to tell your father you were nestled under my heart!!

The next thing I knew, your father was carrying me down the hall, white-faced and tight-lipped to our suite.

Laying me on the bed, he brought a hand to the back of my head where I had knocked it on the cobblestones, easing the growing lump.

I just remember his so worried face....he was so frightened...as he has been recently....and I am sorry for that.....

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I am sorry for the worry I have caused everyone Arwen, you must believe me!

But, I am sorry...I did not mean to digress here......I did promise to stick to lighter topics on these pages...

Telling your father. Oh Arwen, it was actually quite amusing!! He enveloped me in his healer's focus, you know how he does when he is swept up in concern for a patient....I could not get a word in!

He asked what I had been doing, what I had eaten, had I been feeling poorly before.

Dear sweet elf: I had to stop his anxious queries by sitting up and pulling him to me and kissing him soundly.

That of course quite startled him and he went silent, his eyes wide at my unexpected interruption.

"Elrond beloved" I finally said, "I am pregnant! I am not deathly ill from poison nor have I swallowed bad food!"

Oh Arwen his shock!! It was even more funny than when I told him I was carrying the twins!

His face went slack a moment and then lit up like one of Mithrandir's fireworks! And he gave me such a kiss in return...well it was some moments before I could breathe....

Immediately putting a hand to me he left it there for a moment and his smile grew so big.

'It is NOT twins this time!"

I laughed out loud and pulled his hand off me and kissed his palm. 

"It is a young lady, " I said archly, "and she will simply be the most beautiful she-elf in all of Middle Earth. Her mother has so declared!"

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And so I said and so it has proven true my Undomiel! No blushing, it is the simple truth! Some elf-lord will be hard pressed to keep his praises of your beauty to himself. I am sure you will inspire some wonderful poems my love!

Laughing he hugged me again.......

But he still insisted I needed to rest and so to humor him, I lay in bed until the mid day meal reading. Perhaps I slept some too.

After that I was only sick a few more times and I will say, carrying you was much easier than the boys!

You should have easy pregnancies if I am any judge of the condition my love. Besides, I am sure your father will help you through any bad spots and will undoubtedly be there to help deliver his first grandchild!

That will be a wonderful day my love...a wonderful day for all of us....and even though I will not be there, I will know eventually from your father and share in the pride and love. We shall meet again eventually my dear sweet Undomiel, always remember that.

And remember that above all when your heart is sore pressed and missing me

It will be what sustains me, even in the glory of the West where all healing comes.

Knowing I shall see you again.

Well the twins were quite delighted by your presence, no matter what they have said in the heat of a quarrel! They both put their hands to my tummy demanding to talk to you and wondering what you would look like....

As I said, the pregnancy went quite well and a year later I brought you forth here in our suite, your father, being as calm as he could, delivering you with a minimum of fuss.

I am certain, after the twins he felt quite the expert in childbirth.

You arrived late at night, which meant I was already in bed and your father, his satchel of medical supplies ever at hand had little to do to prepare, save getting me comfortable and laying out a great many towels and cloths.

He did not even call for assistance, he was so sure of the easy outcome.

And do not misunderstand me, childbirth is a lot of work and it is messy and a great deal if blood is involved. Well, you know this from helping your mare deliver. Thankfully a baby elf is so much more tiny than a foal!

Your father knew when to alleviate my pains and when to urge me on and help me with his healing energy when I got too tired to push. 

  
At one point, crying and panting with effort, keeping a hand on my rippling abdomen, he bent and took a scream of pain with a kiss. The surprise of his action helped me bear the contraction easier.

Once you made your arrival, he cleaned you off efficiently and put you on my stomach so we could both admire your perfection. What a wonderful head of curly hair you had!

Lifting you and putting you to my breast we both watched in wonder as you took your first suckles of milk and then, your father delivered the after birth and cleaned and bathed me.

And this time, no stitches.

I was so tired, but so glad it had been just the two of us (now three!) to handle your birth my Arwen.

The twins birth was bit more chaotic, since there were two and it was my first pregnancy and your father was bit more nervous and so there were two of my ladies and two healer's assistants with your father.

I am glad they were there, make no mistake on that.....but your birth was more intimate and wonderful somehow.

And because your father had had the foresight to keep plenty of clean linen and towels and cloths on hand, I did not even have to leave our bed, which may sound like a silly thing to make note of, but it was just one more thing about your arrival that was different than the boys. The birth couch he had made before the twins came was quite comfortable and did help ease the way with them. But it was more special to have you in the comfortable haven of our bed, your little cradle next to me, all ready too with soft blankets.

And dear Elrond, HE was quite tired after seeing to both of our needs.

And so when the sun rose and you squalled your wee hunger to us, I awoke to find your father curled around us, his dark hair mingling with mine, a soft tendril half draped across your forehead, one arm around you and the other around me.

And yes, I know you have heard over and over (as you used to ask a great many times when you were younger) how you got your name.

That day I discovered your presence under my heart, both your father and I were floating on clouds and when the evening came, we decided to have dinner out on the terrace and the twins were delighted and believe me when I said they were well-behaved.

Elladan and Elrohir were playing a version of cat's cradle, sitting on the tiles after the meal and your father and I were just enjoying our second glass of tea when Elladan called out softly, "Look, there's grandfather's boat!"

And Elrohir and he both stared at the bright twinkling of the star. And your father gently put a hand to my abdomen and I could feel his warmth through my gown and he said, "Ahh, my father's star, our family's evening star." His hand softly massaged my muscles and his eyes went deep with foresight and he added quietly. "And so she shall be, the Evenstar of her people, our Undomiel."

And I added simply as I had been thinking of it all day, "Our Arwen."

He leaned over and kissed me, Earendil's starlight glittering in his midnight dark eyes and we did not part until one of your brothers said softly, "Oh yuck!""

Your father laughed against my mouth and kissing me softly one more time, his eyes still dark with emotion he turned to the boys and said, "Finish up your journals and then off to bed my sons."

They looked at us and Elladan seeing your father's mood, nodded his head quickly and silently took Elrohir who protested, "But, I was just winning..."

I smiled into Elrond's face and waiting until I knew we were alone, I took your father by the hand, kissed his fingers and re-entered the suite.


	4. chapter four

Later that morning ...….

Oh my Arwen, there was the most beautiful singing outside our suite, and your father and I smiling, lay back in the bed and listened to the joyful voices.

When the singing faded off, your father and I sang our little hymn we had composed for you when I found I was carrying you. You looked up at us and though I know it is really way too early for such things, I could swear you smiled at us!

Not an hour later, Glorfindel came in with your brothers, who were thankfully quiet, followed closely behind by Erestor and Calador and the other elves close to your father's counsel.

Your brothers I will tell you, though they might cringe at their mother using such words, grinned like happy little bear cubs when they saw you and both were so gentle when they each asked to hold you.

Watching you nurse was such happiness Arwen. Your little face all scrunched up and when your father leaned over to kiss me and his dark curtain of hair made a warm cave around your face you stopped a moment and looked up at us. 

My beautiful, beautiful baby girl!

The duties of the Lord of Imladris quietly melted away that day as he stayed with us, having his meals with us and then, while you were sleeping, he examined me thoroughly one more time and then bathed me gently, which was so refreshing.

Childbirth thankfully for elves, though traumatic in its way, and if there are no complications, is something you shall recover fairly quickly from, my love. In a matter of days no doubt, especially if your father is there to help.

Ahh, my Arwen, it was a wonderful time.

And then of course, Mother and Father showed up a few days later. They would have been there sooner but bad weather made crossing the mountains a bit wet and miserable.

It was wonderful to see them. 

I was just about ready to rise from the bed too, but Mother told your father that one more day would not be remiss.

Happy to laze about with you at my side, I laughed behind my hand as Mother gave Elrond "the look." You know which one I mean. The look that says "Do not cross me, I may tell you something you have no wish to know!"

Your father, ever the diplomat, always bowed to Mother's wisdom. Father of course was just pleased as a hawk with a fat rabbit when he saw you and I. Bending to kiss you, I inhaled the wonderful fragrance of mallorn blossoms in your grandfather's hair as it brushed my face.

My heart clenched at the moment. When would I get a chance to go visit Caras Galadon?

When he stood, his eyes went dark and then he smiled slightly. Bending again to kiss me on the cheek, he answered me softly, "Soon, my darling. I am so very proud of you. What a fine, fine she-elf she is."

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Oh Ada! I shall miss you terribly!! And Amme. Their coming to Valinor cannot be too soon!

But I was talking of your first days! 

They were so full! You Grandmother could not hold you enough. Everyone wanted to hold you!

But though it was wonderful to share your birth with all and sundry, it is the moments alone with your father and brothers I remember best of all.

It must have been after your grandparents left, and our family was gathered in our suite as had been our wont, because you were so small and needed feeding frequently.

I was nursing you in a chair by the fire, my feet up on a footstool, the warm candle light glistened in your father's hair as he concentrated on a sheaf of parchment in his lap. He sat in his favorite chair, the one carved with swans and made out of oak and inlaid with cedar on the other of the fire.

His dark maroon robe glowed warmly with firelight.

It was raining outside and your brothers were quietly playing chess on the hearth rug, between us, making small bursts of comment after an especially unexpected move.

Nothing happened that night Arwen….it was just the peacefulness of the scene I remember fondly. My eyes moisten up at it thinking of it now.

Those were happy, happy times love.

But not the only ones, my sweet!!

Ooh, your first steps!! Oh Arwen, when a baby makes that first big effort to stand and walk, it is just an amazing example of elf-kind at its most indomitable.

You were on the grass between your father and I. Out in the private garden here in early summer.

Your father had his arms outstretched and was cooing to you.

You may not remember this but your sweet father had a handful of endearing little nicknames for you. "Wennie-kins" (this he only used when he was playing with your toes. You should have seen the light of love in his eyes when he would bend over you in your cradle, humming and tweaking your toes.) "Little cygnet" and my favorite, "my starlight."

__

Do not grimace! Everyone's childhood is littered with such things. My nickname was "my little Bri" and ah, "Ada's little butterfly." Luckily I think, your father does not remember any of his childhood nicknames since his youth was so topsy-turvy. Knowing him, he probably got called "the quiet one" if nothing else, since he was ever studious.

I was talking about your first steps.

You watched your father with big eyes as he encouraged you sweetly with smiles and a string of your nicknames. Then you pulled yourself up by holding onto my gown.

And you stood! And your father, just delighted, clapped his hands and I laughed when, startled you plopped right down and were about to cry....but then your father started playing peek-a-boo, by pulling long strands of his hair in front of his face and then suddenly revealing his smile.

Well, that stopped your tears (I was trying hard not to laugh out loud) and you pulled yourself up again and then, your eyes riveted to your fathers, you took a step and then another and then another and then......plop! Right back down on your nappy!

But that was the start! Everyday thereafter, you got stronger and more bold and soon, your brothers were helping you navigate stairs.

Of course the stairs gave us many, many anxious moments, but thankfully your bruises and scrapes were few.

I smile even now. Arwen you have no idea how utterly undone your father would become if you got any injury!! Anything! A splinter, a stubbed toe, scratches. If he could have healed with a touch it would have be done. 

And as I said, that one time when you broke your arm......Oh sweetheart, he lay next to you that first night, silent tears ran down his face as he held you close to him. I sat in the chair next to your bed, but your father needed to be even closer. Poor love!

He so wanted you to be whole again!

Now lest you get a swelled head about this, your father was equally devastated if the boys injured themselves. But I think because it was more expected that boys, with sword practice and archery and climbing anything taller than they, would garner them their share of mishaps.

Thankfully, I have only given your father cause to using his healing skills infrequently, save for this last event. Of which I am so sorry that I cannot find in myself healing or surcease from the relentless horror, to spare you all from any further pain my unwholesome unbalanced presence may inflict upon you.

I am sorry my Arwen. Believe me, if I could change things back to the way they were, I would do so in a heartbeat.

Someday, when you come to the West, I will be able to tell you more clearly what has happened to me.

And to my soul.

But I will spare you these things now....


	5. chapter five

I just took a walk in your father's herb garden. I have always enjoyed the wonderful fragrances, especially in high summer when the two of us would cull herbs for his still room.

Now that it is autumn, there are not so many, but still, there are enough that in the late afternoon sun, there is still a spicy aroma in the air.

And it lifts my spirits. Your father would probably say it is the healing power of the herbs, and I say it is just the sun......and happy memories my love.

You always loved to help us garden. Whether it was merely pulling weeds, trimming or preserving buds, you were always helpful.

Though frequently, you were distracted by anything living in the plants: caterpillars, beetles, frogs and toads, the occasional ground-loving bird, like quail or rabbits.

I can remember finding some of your father's jars in your room on the window sill, covered with parchment and tied around the top, punctured by a thick needle.

You even had one of those big yellow and black garden spiders once!

(I do not know where you got your love of insects and spiders Arwen, it certainly was not from me!)

Your father even planted you your own little garden for you to maintain. I have not seen any signs you have been in it recently. It looks rather sad and neglected, though the chrysanthemums were still blooming. I have brought some in and there is a vase of their sunny yellow blooms on my desk at the moment.

Gardening makes me think of an adventure you and I had. Looking back I thought it was fun, even though it ended unexpectedly.

I suspect you remember the time you and I decided one fine summer day to go out and hunt the rarer wild herbs that grew in the higher reaches of the gorge. And not only that, but you and I, no father or brothers were going to camp under the stars and tell each other stories and dreams.

The fun was, of course, it did not go quite as planned. Though now that I think on it, perhaps your memories of this little incident are not so happy as mine!!

Well, I shall recount it here and maybe time and distance has made it seem a bit less, well, harrowing for you.

(It should have been harrowing for me too, as your mother, but all I saw was the humor in it. Poor lamb!}

We had hiked up past Maidenveil Falls and found a charming little glade with a spring to make camp at. And I was quite proud of how quickly we set up our little pavilion and squared away our camp.

We spent a tiring but productive day culling herbs and storing them properly for your father, including a large plant of _athelas_ which your father never had enough of and was hard to keep fresh as it does not last long.

It was late evening and the wind had picked up some and you and I were just washing the dirt off at the spring, when your sharp little elfin eyes caught sight of a beehive! And your little tummy immediately said: "Honey!"

As I was carefully putting the last of the herbs away, I did not notice you approaching the hive, until too late. You had been so sure the bees were all out hunting flowers that you could just reach right in and fetch the comb.

Of course, what you fetched were a great number of angry bees and you and I were running all over the glade screaming and slapping at the angry insects, getting bitten every which way!

Then I said, "Quick, into the spring!" But of course, it was not deep enough, and the two of us lay half-submerged like pond turtles and tried our best to keep the insects at bay.

Arwen! Your face swelled up like a summer gourd, and I am afraid I did not look much better!

But when I saw our faces in the spring by the last of the sunlight, oh Arwen I just remember laughing and laughing!

You were crying, but once I started, you could not help yourself and we both laughed until tears came.

Well, gathering up our herbs, I realized we would have to go back home and camp another night. 

To help with the stings, I grabbed generous handfuls of mud and rubbed them everywhere I could find the bees stings.

I smile even now Arwen. Do you remember how we looked? Like two terrible monsters come to haunt Imladris!

Anyway, your father, knowing something was amiss had mounted up and he and Glorfindel came up the gorge for us (Your brothers were out hunting that day).

Your father's face was a priceless study in incredulity when he saw us both swollen and covered in mud.

Leaping off his horse, he stopped in front of me and said, "Cel beloved, is that you under all that.....mud?" 

"No," I laughed, "it is only an orc who LOOKS like Cel!"

Well, you started to laugh harder and then your father and Glorfindel joined in.

Pulling us up in front of them on their steeds, we all went down into the valley laughing. 

And even though, removing the stingers was a laborious process for both he and Glorfindel, and rather painful for both of us...I still remember that day with a chuckle.

And once your father had eased you into sleep (you were just a wee one of 9 I think) we both stood looking down at you and I wrapped my arm about him and smiled. "Our little orc!" It hurt for me to laugh!

He laughed back and kissed me.

__

Of course now, orcs are not the image of humor they were so long ago. They are not funny..I can not......I am sorry Arwen....


	6. chapter six

I have not mentioned much about your brothers, well, this is a journal for you...but your brothers have been so much a part of your life...

They really love you Arwen, no matter what they have said when they have been angry or you annoyed them with too many questions...

I remember an afternoon when you came to me crying while I was in the linen room going through the formal tables cloths for an upcoming feast.

I and Alathieriel were counting out the cloths and making neat piles, when, with true childish abandon, you threw yourself on my pile of linen sobbing that Elladan and Elrohir had been evil to you...

And when I asked how...you told me with big sniffles that they had told you in no uncertain terms that you were..."a pest and an unwanted shadow and would you please stop follow us.... _everywhere_?"

Arwen! Your little face was such a study in despair! I remember it clearly.

Alathieriel and I chivvied you out of your mood by letting you help us by counting the napkins.

When we were finished, you and I went out to the family garden and you and I sat amongst the daffodils and I just held you. You were so soft and warm, my Arwen. 

Quiet, you slowly drifted off to sleep in my arms, the expression on your face softened and I kissed you, held to that timeless place by your innocent expression.

You are young for just such a short, short time as an immortal my dear Arwen! Remember that when you have children.

And remember how sweet young elflings are! And delightful...

Ahh, yes, this still brings me back to your brothers, dear elf lords that they are. 

__

And so very brave. But you know that.....

A little about your brothers then. 

  
I know you must sometimes think that they get all the attention because they are the first born and they are the young men of the family and Elladan will someday be Lord of Rivendell. 

Actually I think they shall BOTH be Lords of Rivendell because they so complement each other in thinking and deed.

When I found I was pregnant with the twins, it was such an event as you can imagine!

My, my the Lady of Imladris was going to produce heirs!!

Your father was so proud! 

He found out in a similar way that I was carrying your brothers, as he did with you, though on this occasion he was there, and it was rather more embarrassing!

We were entertaining that evening, actually an embassy from Thranduil, and your father and I stood to leave the table to go to the Hall of Fire, and I simply collapsed...thump! in a heap at your father's feet.

What a mess!

And it was so amusing Arwen...once he got me to our rooms, it took him sometime to determine what was happening right away...since I had no idea!

He asked me questions about eating and drinking and what I had been doing, like he had when I fainted with you...but since neither of us had been "pregnant" as it were, we were both at a loss.

Your father got more and more worried and I got more and more confused, until it just suddenly dawned on me....and I took one of your father's hands and put it to my abdomen. He looked at me worried...and his hand sank deeper into me and his healing warmth filled me....THEN we both realized what was happening!

I remember just laying there staring at your father, and I know his expression mirrored mine: both our mouths hung open in shock. Not only was I pregnant, but it was with twins!!

Well, that put the House in an uproar.

And your father in a dither because he was so afraid I was going to be delicate through out my pregnancy, that the next few days he insisted I stay in bed!!

And I was so heartily bored! Even with the visits from Thranduil and his wife.

But there was no convincing your father otherwise, until he had a rather no nonsense communication with Mother, which straightened his thinking out some, and he reluctantly let me out of our rooms.

Poor dear!! He was so worried that first month, but he finally settled down and relaxed into happiness.

Your father had the names picked out from the very start and since they were boys, I let him do this.

I liked the names actually and I knew it was very important to your father to not only name the twins, but because his life had been so unsettled as a child and youth, that having his line continue on was especially important to him. Made him feel more grounded I believe.

And as I said, when the twins arrived, it was a bit of a crush in our bedroom.

I used the birthing couch your father had made, and Alathiriel and Malla were with me to keep me comfortable and give me sips of water or fruit juice.

And your dear father, as nervous as any first time father, was actually pacing a great deal between contractions and let the healer Isingal monitor me early on.

But of course, once I began delivering, your father took over and eased my pains and brought forth his sons, though little Elrohir was very shy and waited almost eleven minutes before he decided to join his brother!

(Those eleven minutes gave your father time to clean up Elladan and settle him before dealing with Elrohir)

Once the twins were delivered my dear, well, there was singing again of course, and your grandparents were already here, and as I said, it was a bit crowded and noisy in our rooms for awhile.

I was SO tired from delivering those rascals, I do not remember as much about their first days as I do about yours...all I see is an endless parade of smiling faces.

But I do remember private moments with your father, late at night, when it was just the four of us and the twins were nursing and all was quiet except for their hungry little mouths....

I will admit to be relieved when everything settled down and I could focus on being a mother.

Having two at once kept me quite busy, I assure you!

Twice as many nappies and twice as many feedings and twice as many worries!

And once THEY began to walk...oh my, your father and I were certainly kept on our toes! Because of course, they usually picked opposite directions in which to run!

But as I said, they were thankfully no more prone to accidents than any other little elfling boys and so did not give us TOO much grief as they grew!

Just the few accidents here and there.

And like you, the first time one of the twins was hurt bad enough to be bed bound, your father and I were quite undone!

It was Elrohir's broken arm from his fall off his pony that put him in bed the first time, as it was a compound fracture. He had been racing his brother of course and tried a fence that was too high for poor Porridge (so named because that is what his coat looked like) who balked and threw Elrohir into the stone wall he wanted him to leap.

Both of us sat up all night with him. And Elladan, unhappy with all the attention Elrohir was receiving, alternately slept in your father's and my lap that night, his thumb stuck in his mouth.

Of course, Elladan more than made up with it the time he was experimenting in your father's still room and broke a vial of acid while trying to concoct, I don't remember what it was. A firework like Mithrandir's? And he burned himself all down his leg and cut himself in the palm of his hand trying to grab the vial as it broke against the edge of the table.

Trust me Arwen, twin boys are endlessly diverting, in one form or another.

Looking at what I have written, I see I have gone on quite enough about your brothers here....

Perhaps this information will be helpful if you have boys of your own someday.

But my love, they do love you and you know it. I have stuck here in the pages of this journal, two notes from your brothers, begetting day wishes that are indeed heartfelt, that I found when cleaning out the wardrobe in your room, before we removed it for the bigger one you needed. And still have now actually.

And remember that time you got lost? On a picnic we took up around the high falls that summer day when you must have been just six I think.

Your brothers were frantic with worry looking for you (as was your father and I)...and how very happy Elladan was when he found you tucked in the fork of a large oak, fast asleep, holding your favorite doll Cimbelin.

You should have seen the look of relief on his face when Elrohir saw you in your brother's arms. Both of them had tears in their eyes (as did your father and I!)...

And from there on out Arwen, they became YOUR shadows whenever they were home and you were out and about in the gardens or on one of your wanderings!

And you even complained to me when you were trying to have a tea party with Cimbelin and Rohr the Bear and they kept lurking nearby because you kept climbing on the garden wall...

__

I think I will rest now my love. I am quite tired. Your father has left me a tonic which I drank, but I suspect there was a little something more in it than that.....

He worries so....and I...I can not ..I wish so that I could help relieve his heart by recovering...but...

I shall try to write more later.......


	7. Chapter Seven

I do not think I have told you just how proud I am of you Arwen. What a wonderful young she-elf you have grown into.

You have always been helpful and kind and you have a loving heart as well.

Now lest you think I am just being a mother who sees no wrong in her children---you are right!

But in your case my love, I have had little reason over the years to be angry, upset or disappointed in you (and that goes for the twins as well actually).

You were a good student and your father always found you to be an apt pupil when he was teaching you about healing. And the twins even complemented your skills on separate occasions telling me that you were a fair shot with a bow and decent with a sword.

And I have always enjoyed your embroidery. I still have that quilt you made me just as you turned 50.

And the Tengwar sampler is still here in my solarium.

And your singing....ah...well. Like I have said, some day, some elf is going to find himself the lucky holder of your heart!!

Of course as a young she-elf becoming an adult you had your sulks and megrims. We all do.

I can think of several evening meals that you took behind the door of your room angry with me, your father, your brothers---the whole world.

I went through similar emotional periods as I grew up. I am afraid I gave Mother and Father quite a scare once as I left my flet and wandered the far edges of the Golden Wood on my own---angry at them---well, angry at everyone.

I had taken nothing practical with me to keep off the elements or even to start a fire with. I had just gone off angry at something Amme had said to me or asked me to do...I cannot recall which it was...but whatever it was, I was so furious, I just marched out of Mother's study and kept on going.

I did not even stop and get a cloak!

Finally I came home ashamed and dirty AND with a sprained ankle after several days.

It was late at night and there was a lovely full moon. I crept up into Mother and Father's flet (the guards startled but letting me go with out raising the alarm that I had been found). I stood for a moment at the entrance of their bedroom, and even from the doorway I could see tears on my Mother's cheeks as she lay nestled in my Father's arms. Oh how bad I felt Arwen!! I stifled a sob and crawled into bed and wrapped my arms around my Ada's broad back and he awoke and silently turned and put his arms around me. Amme awoke too and eventually, after some conversation and many tears, I slept between them, the three of us together.

We all slept well that night. And Arwen, I was a she-elf of 35.

They never chastised me for my show of spirit.

And I never did anything like that again.

I do remember a time when you did something similar.

You know, the time you took your mare Bellingala and rode off into the northern woods. And it took the perimeter guard, your father and brothers days to find you. In a cave, soaking wet from the previous day's rain, your dress torn and your hair all in a tangle.

And when you saw your father and I and burst into tears, well my heart was so full.

I was so relieved. I did not want to lose you to youthful indiscretion....

It was terrible, believe me Arwen.

If you should have a daughter, give her a chance to kick up her heels and be contrary. It is good for the soul sweetheart. I can only hope she does not run off!

Even though you may worry your skills as a mother have failed you.

What I also remember fondly is your first big feast with dancing.

And we had invited Thranduil and Legolas to visit.

The two of you made a lovely couple, I must say.

And you thought he was just the most handsome young elf you had ever seen. Though as I recall there were a couple of young elves in the Guard that you were very fond of too for while.

And I also recall that he was quite taken with you. Even though Thranduil had told your father and I that Legolas was more interested in archery than young she-elves....

You both got on together quite well during the Mirkwood elves' visit.

Riding, picnicking and even some archery.

You told me one afternoon while Thranduil and Legolas were off hunting with your father and the twins that you liked Legolas. He was quiet and had a nice laugh.

And as the years passed, your father and I assumed you would make Legolas your choice.

So I was not surprised when a few years later, you took me aside that summer day and poured out your heart to me regarding the Prince, well I remember telling your father, and how we both could not wait for the two of your to officially announce your betrothal.

But it was not to be.

And though you explained it to me very logically and calmly, I have always wondered if there was something more. 

I will not (and I have not) pried into your heart on this matter because indeed it is solely a matter between you two.

I am glad that at least you and Legolas have always remained friendly and polite. We do not need any more enmity between the Woodland Realm and ourselves. Thranduil has been ever prickly and quick to take offense.

I have been surprised what with your many visits to naneth's, you have not come home to tell me some young elf has caught your eye. Do not guard your heart so close that you do not allow yourself to open up to someone.

You have been very silent about love these last years. And I know I have tried to talk to you about this, but you have always politely turned the conversation to another path. I respect your silence my Arwen. But I just wanted to say here, that I have noticed it, as has your father.

We both just want you to be happy.

And with whomever your heart says is your choice, then we will have to be happy with it too, no matter what.

The love your father and I have for each other, dear heart, just got stronger as time moved on. We have always felt so bound to each other, so wrapped in our love that one without the other would wither away.

But now I am so uncertain of my path right now...my heart is so weary my love, I do not know what I can do. The energy to keep alive, much less burn with love and affection has drained from me like water into the hot Southern sands.

And though I am trying to be strong, I _wish_ to be strong, my strength, my hope has flown away...even in the light of your father's unwavering heart and all you children and your affection...

This is very hard for me my Arwen. I cannot make it clear here perhaps (and I know I have not made it clear to your father) why I feel myself disconnecting from the life and joy of Middle Earth...the joys that I have written of on these pages...

Why they do not make me more happy, more willing to face the empty hollow in my soul. 

It is I think, the fact, that if the world within me has gone to ashes...how can I really love and give comfort when my soul is blasted by horror....

I did not mean it to be blasted by horror...I tried so hard Arwen to fight this encroaching dark, dark pain and agony...but it has overwhelmed me like a sudden tide and I am drowning, unable to fight it...to rise above it....

I am not as strong as I thought, as your father has hoped. And though my dear love has indeed cured my physical wounds....his love, his attention have brushed up against the dark wall of my nightmare....and cannot break it...cannot burn through....

And though he holds me and loves me Arwen....I cannot respond as I have, as I remember....as I _so_ want to....

My hope has fled my Arwen...and having no hope...is very, very close to having no life.....

I am sorry I got so melancholy when I started this entry talking about how proud I am of you!!

Forgive me! 

I love you so my Arwen....


	8. Chapter eight

It is a lovely day today Arwen. The wind tosses the branches outside the window here.

The light is bright and shines on this clean page before me.

The roses you brought me the other day still smell so lovely. Though a few petals have dropped.

Will they have such roses in Valinor? Perhaps I can take some with me......

My lunch sits to the side here.

I drank the broth, but the rest I cannot eat.

And I know I am thin and your father worries so.

Oh Arwen. I have been trying to tell you here all the things I could, to show you what a wonderful life you have had.

What a wonderful life _I_ have had.

So much love, so many wonderful, wonderful experiences and memories.

Oh Arwen, to leave this all behind, I am sure you wonder how I can?

How?

I do not know Arwen. I just know I have to. For my own sanity. Each day it becomes harder and harder to get up.

The colors drain away as I stare at my gowns, at my gardens----at my beloved's face.

Oh and my Elrond---what I am doing to you!

He tries to love me Arwen. He does! And I try hard to love him back. But all I want to do is hide.

I cannot bear myself Arwen.

And though your father says nothing he must see, he must know how unclean I feel.

No water can wash it away.

No love can make me whole.

How could it? I am full of holes and horrors, love just leaks away.

My love for all of you has not gone away Arwen. It has not, I swear this!

It is just me. Me. I am broken and only in Valinor can I made whole, my love.

It is a no lack of love from you or the twins or your father or my parents. It is just me.

Oh Arwen, leaving is so _so_ hard.

My heart it, it feels so hollow and cracked, like an empty vessel beyond repair.

The other night as I lay in your father's arms. I tried especially hard to return your father's love, his passion---

I could only lay there and let him love me. I _want_ him to love me.

Your father, his heart is so big and he wraps me in it like the softest blanket. He then hides his pain behind his love (and work of course).

But I am not comforted. I feel a fraud when I put my arms around him. I do it because he _needs_ me to.

Why Arwen, why do I not need it in return?

How can I abandon the love of the millennium?

How?

All the kisses, caresses, the joinings and I am dead to these now.

Please do not hate me Arwen.

I pray your father and brothers do not hate me.

Instead, pity me.

Remember me.

I shall be waiting in Valinor love---for all of you.

For all of you to come back to my arms, to my heart.

And burn bright.

Oh we shall _all _burn bright in Valinor my love.

It is my only hope.

I must rest.

Your father has come and stands at the window behind me.

I glance at his profile. His beautiful noble face. My love, my soul, my heart.

Oh Elrond.

Do not forget!

Do not abandon your love.

Abandon only your pain. Let it go and your life will be easier.

Arwen, I must go now.

We must discuss my trip to the Grey Havens.

It has come to this.

__

Can you read this through the blotches my tears have made?

But mark the path to the Havens well Arwen.

Someday you will take it too.

And I shall be there waiting, arms and heart open.

I will not speak of this again and close this journal with as much hope I can muster.

Bright hope for a love in your life---a love like your father and I share.

A mother's hope you will be happy and have delightful children.

And a woman's hope that you always remain strong.

I love you my Arwen

Until we meet again........

Your mother,

Celebrian


End file.
